Finding Our Way Back, Part III

[gildaurel]

Um... sorry? This part is unhappy and unfinished and not very Christmas-y at all. I tried to bring Van and Tylendel back together, I really did, but maybe it's just the madness of my own life lately bleeding into this awful portion. I'm curious as to whether it even makes sense, frankly-- I have an idea of where to go from here.

Vanyel was confused. It was an unusual state for him, and one he’d worked very, very hard not to find himself in these past years, as his mind did not respond well to the unexpected. Half of him felt enflamed, so warm, willing to surrender all to Tylendel’s kiss, heedless of consequence. The other half remembered.

And Tylendel’s lifting up of his shirt brought both halves of him into agreement, the fear running clear and constant over any impulsive emotion. He’ll see…

But it was too late; he’d already seen, and the look on his face was anything but reassuring. He didn’t dare let down his shields, feel the inevitable pity that he’d carefully avoided by always remaining fully clothed—that first time I saw my body reflected back at me, I wept. He’d been at the Vale months before he even dared to try, and when Moondance had urged him to face and accept it, he’d been entirely incapable. I looked like a broken man.

Somehow he’d managed Mindspeech this time, though, and Tylendel was responding—telling him what?—he loves me?—the refrain was familiar, yet seemed more genuine, now, with Tylendel seeing the reality of what he’d become, his eyes no longer lost in adolescent fantasies. But he doesn’t really understand. His next words, he barely dared speak, sure he would flee in disgust—

And the warm balm of Moondance’s Healing banished that hopeless loop of thought with a reassuring mantra—it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault—which, coupled with Tylendel’s flickering emotions that included no disgust or pity at all, but rather overwhelming anger and guilt, both of which he could handle, led him to feel that maybe, just maybe, he could—

Because his body was still warm, his deep breaths calming him, and the closeness of ‘Lendel was unbearable to send away.

“I suppose the kiss wasn’t half bad,” he murmured in response to Tylendel, shocked by his own calm, his own willingness. Tylendel didn’t hesitate a moment longer, wrapping him in his arms again, undaunted by the weary wreck of his body; no, rather, he traced the intersections of scars with wondering fingers as their lips met, and he tingled from head to toe—I haven’t let anyone touch me that way; I always kept my shirt on, even with Shavri—but it felt right, somehow; more than right, it was washing his reason away with his tension.

He let his shields slip further down, hesitating at the block-- :Vanyel.: Tylendel’s Mindvoice was rich with want, with the same mad desire he was beginning to feel--:I don’t want to take this further than you want—to pressure you--:

It was enough to convince him into lowering the block between them, and his Sense of the other rushed in, that heady aura that warmed and soothed his so thoroughly. He could Feel how very badly Tylendel wanted him, still, how undeterred his attraction was, and he let his own hands drift further downward, feeling the firm muscle under the back of Tylendel’s breeches, moving to undo them and possibly pull them off—gods, am I really?

Tylendel was moaning now, and his echoed feelings had gone from hot want to desperation, his own hands roaming more freely, tracing the sides of Vanyel’s body; he paused to pull off his own shirt, and Vanyel tried not to despair at the sharp contrast of his barely-marred golden skin. Tylendel seemed to sense it, and murmured, “Shh, no, you’re perfect, Van.”

But I’m not, and his body’s strong reaction warred with the sudden hesitancy in his mind, the fear returning abruptly as ‘Lendel’s hands wandered into his own breeches. He pulled back again, breathing heavily, and Tylendel stilled.

“Too much?”

Vanyel nodded, not trusting himself to speak around the lump in his throat. I’m such a fool. I want him, but I can’t even stand to touch him—and he hated feeling this way. He hated being reminded of all of his failings, not when he’d worked so hard to become more than them. This is why I didn’t want to—

And the reflected concern in Tylendel’s face was too much for him; he’d fallen so easily back into his sixteen-year-old role of playing the besotted, submissive innocent—I don’t want him to be in charge of my feelings!

It wasn’t logical, the way his want was turning slowly to rage; too late, he slammed the block back up, and it was clear Tylendel knew why, his hands raising slowly, “Van…I didn’t mean to push you. I truly didn’t—”

He doesn’t understand. That was the problem. Tylendel was who he was; he would always try to take the lead, and some part of Vanyel wanted him to—but another part rebelled violently and angrily against ever giving himself up to this man who had betrayed him.

“I think you should leave,” he managed quietly.

Hurt flitting across his face, Tylendel nodded slowly, picking up his discarded shirt. “I’m sorry.”

Careful control in his voice, Vanyel replied, “I can’t, Tylendel. You should move on—you should find someone else. I’d rather you didn’t…wait for me. I don’t want that guilt.” He was almost surprised at how little the thought bothered him. I’d rather be cold and alone than… unmoored…

Tylendel’s face fell further; he lifted a shaking hand in farewell, and let himself out of the room, leaving Vanyel alone with the pain and the silence. It was comfortingly familiar.

Comments

[liana12]

I think it makes an awful lot of sense. It would be way too easy, and completetely not believable, for them to just kiss and make up, after so many years and such trauma. It has to be long, painful, and with an uncertain result. But you know you have to finally bring them together, right :0 ?I wish you a happy year 2019, and may your life get back on track or at least get rid of the madness...

[gildaurel]

Thanks! I feel like that was what went through my head too. They will get together— that part is long and challenging to write so you might have a bit of a wait, but I promise I will finish! Happy almost 2019!

[swimmer963]

Awww. This is very sad, but also I think it does make a lot of sense. Poor Van!

[gildaurel]

I know and I actually don’t like making terrible things happen to Van because canon abuses him so much already, but eh. I guess that’s the fic I chose to write! I’m working my way through book 8 btw...just been super busy with my family.

[swimmer963]

Note to self: I should make sure to write in some *good* times for Vanyel (and ideally a happy ending, but I'm not sure how much I can wrangle that)

Any further thoughts on book 8, btw? I'm a bit stuck on editing bc I'm not sure I like the last third of it, so would love to know what you think.

[gildaurel]

YES. And I'm so sorry I haven't commented, but sometimes I get super overwhelmed and it's so long (which is obvi not a bad thing) that I have to go back and look at different parts to figure out what I want to say. I also put my phone through the washing machine? Yeah, I'm an idiot.

Anyways, what I can remember offhand is that I LOVE what you're doing with Stef in Haven on his own, how you're making him important, and showing that he's not just lovesick after Van, but actually is having fun with other partners.

I also like your Lissa/ Treesa dynamic (not sure which book that's from- probs all of them) and LOVE the idea of Treesa being intrigued by Van's gay life/ being not so judgmental. I'm interested in Van/ Withen interactions.

I'm generally ambivalent about OCs, even though I sometimes use them, but Dara is fine and interesting in her own right. Tbh I mostly read for Van/Stef and everything else is just a vehicle for that, but your writing and plot development are truly excellent, and Dara is well developed, it's just that I care SO MUCH MORE about Van and Stef than anything else, go figure.

Mainly, I think Van just keeps getting hurt and depressed so much that it's shocking he's alive. I know you are diverging from canon (and again, I applaud how thorough and careful you are, and the strength of your prose), but it does feel a bit brutal on him. He's constantly in a state of half-starvation or severely injured or entirely sleep-deprived, and I almost want to see him go to a Kata shina'in party and just get it on with some hot foreigner and stop moping?

I would need to read it again to comment more-- obviously what you're undertaking is so far beyond anything I would undertake (I've been working on a fic that's 20k and that is like, so far beyond me that I feel I'll never finish) that I'm utterly impressed, but I also think you put yourself more at risk for somewhat repetitive instances of injury/recovery that, even when written well, can get hard to read.

Bravo on your project and I cannot wait for Book 9!

[swimmer963]

>Mainly, I think Van just keeps getting hurt and depressed so much that it's shocking he's alive.

Yep, that's pretty much exactly what I'm unhappy with at the end of book 8. I wanted a plot device to trap them in the tower for awhile, and that seemed like an easy one, but I think I'm going to go back and rewrite it using some other device, because "Vanyel gets hurt" is totally an overused plot device. (It's just *easy*, and my former-ICU-nurse self looooves to write extended medical emergency stuff, um...) And adding in some more fun for Van in Kata'shin'a'in is a good idea to break up the grimness a bit.

I think I can arrange so that Van & Stef get together in book 9 (I just need to figure out how to timeskip a bit further so that Stef is older and it isn't creepy, lol)

[nakki]

Ouch! Gut punch. But yeah, ufortunately this was probably the way it had to go :( These two can never make it easy on themselves, and I definetly feel that Lendel hasn't done anywhere close to the correct amount of grovelling.

Happy New Year <3 I'm sure these two fools will make it back together, eventually XD

[gildaurel]

Yes, ‘Lendel must grovel. I think that’s the main reason I kept him alive? They will but I think something major will have to happen...

Happy New Year!

[thene]

Yesssss this is real and important. They basically just met again, and Lendel is ready to rush right into sex when Van is hurting SO much? And Van catches his feelings and right away he's moving faster than he wants to, pulling Lendel's clothes off because Lendel wants him to - like. Lendel. Try having a functional relationship first, and try ACKNOWLEDGING what was toxic about your first go around. Ugh god I am falling straight into how BAD these two are for each other. Just super hope they find a healthy footing together now <3333333333333 Given Van's power and his independence, I feel like it's possible. Does Lendel have to go off and screw someone else for Van to realise that? >>

[gildaurel]

Ahhh thank you that is so totally what I was trying to clumsily convey— that Vanyel’s want wasn’t only his want, and that it was super easy for him to fall back into the familiar pattern of just acceding to Tylendel’s needs— except he’s way too self aware and sick of being vulnerable to do that. He’s definitely at the point where he would rather be alone than in a shitty unfair relationship again where he risks getting treated like garbage. Plus he’s too busy for that drama now!

I’m considering a few paths but yeah Tylendel taking him up on trying to find someone else is definitely one of them. I’m not even sure he’s actually been celibate all these years either. Like that doesn’t seem very IC for him? But I guess he is reallllly guilty. They are definitely going to be forced to work together soon and we will see how that goes...

[thene]

These two are just so not good at BOUNDARIES, and the block is the only one Van knows how to use, and he's using it. It's so interesting that what really sets him off is Lendel calling him 'perfect' - like that makes him realise Lendel can't even see him as a full person yet. it's just a horrifyingly boundaryless codependent binary black hole.

Oooof yeah, I am also doubtful that Lendel's been celibate & he probably felt like utter shit every time he wasn't. He may also have a long list of reasons why everyone he's slept with is actually a shitheel but that's just a coincidence and there's definitely no common factor in all his terrible relationships.

so yes, I will look forward to seeing them work together, this can't possibly go wrong and Randale will not regret this decision in any way.

[gildaurel]

Yesss Lendel totally can’t see Van as anything less than what he was years ago because accepting him now means a shift in their power dynamic and acknowledging that Van is fucked up in a way that a few make out sessions won’t fix.

That’s what always gets me with the Van/ Stef relationship— Van is trying is hard to be older and wiser and is in some ways but it’s also almost as if what finally convinced him to let Stef in is him confessing that he’s had all these other lovers? And his love of course. But it’s like Van does not want to be the more experienced one and I headcanon that with time he would become increasingly more submissive to Stef’s care, feelings, etc. (I kept rereading Scavenger and thinking about that dynamic shifting after their Tayledras marriage—that Stef on the horseback? ride home would be like omg Van is so open, so willing, so... truly himself?).

Anyways I do think Tylendel is trying but it’s been so long and he wants Van so badly and he has no hang-ups about fucking, so...yeah. Not a good combination. I’ve been head-cannoning all the shitty exes Tylendel must have had and can’t wait to write about them. I’ve had no time to work on this... I’ve been proctoring standardized tests all week, god, which would drive anyone to suicidal tendencies. But hopefully soon??