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last_herald_mageShutting the door behind Stefen was the easy part. He sighed, leaning his forehead against the warm wood. Nothing had gone wrong tonight; indeed, there was the heart of the problem. It was a perfect evening. I didn’t want it to end. Admitting that was hard, and he wished he could cancel the thought as soon as it crossed his mind. For now, now he was heading down a dangerous path. I wanted more. Gods, Van, get a hold of yourself, the boy is a teenager. But it was so easy to forget Stefen’s age when his musical knowledge and political insights were so keen, so relevant, and so goddamn brilliant.
He slumped down against the closed door, sure to close the channel linking his and Yfandes’ thoughts. I don’t need advice right now; I’m all too well aware of the right course of action to pursue, and I certainly will not indulge… whatever this is. Stefen’s infatuation was obvious, and it would be all too easy to take advantage of the boy. Of course, that’s exactly what I don’t want. Vanyel’s objections to a younger lover—especially one as young as Stefen—were, first and foremost, moral, but there were other reasons he shied away from the idea. I prefer to be the one taken advantage of, he thought wryly.
Picking himself up from the floor and dusting off his breeches, he walked back to the side table where an almost-finished wine pitcher and a half-eaten round of cheese sat abandoned. He no longer feared his preferences, nor denied them; he enjoyed a partner who took the lead—and sometimes, even more than that. Stefen still looked at him with hero worship, despite all Vanyel’s efforts to disillusion him. Certainly, when they were discussing Stefen’s compositions—which were inordinately impressive, and Vanyel was disappointed in himself for not realizing sooner that the new musician he enjoyed so much was the very boy he was working hand-in-hand with—Stefen came into his own, and lost the slightly overwhelmed, big-eyed look he had whenever Vanyel entered the room. But as it stood—besides the age gap, I’m not sure he would be a partner. In any sense of the word.
With a steady hand, he picked up the wine pitcher and poured the rest out into his goblet. Stefen was certainly trying to get me drunk. He fell back into his chair and smiled despite himself. The boy is persistent, that’s undeniable. Taking a long drink of the wine, he pushed the cheese and remaining crumbs into a small waste bin. I’m certainly not one to say no to an extra glass of wine, but being drunk around him would be… dangerous. I won’t make that error again. Unintentionally, his mind flitted back to that first night they had met, and the aggressive way Stefen had wrapped his hand around Vanyel’s. Gods, I wanted him. I… want him?
These were the very thoughts he was striving so hard to suppress, but his body was stronger than his will, at least in the relative safety of his private rooms. The way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not looking, the sheer desire laced with something else, something more… He paused, took another drink, and shook his head. No; there’s nothing more. And this—I’ve seen this before, turned down this admiration-spurred seduction before.
Except with Stefen it was harder, and he was exerting every ounce of self-discipline he had carefully honed during his past eight years of celibacy. Take tonight, for example…
After Court, Stefen had shyly confessed to needing an audience for a new song he was writing, and Vanyel had acquiesced—somewhat reluctantly, considering he was a musical amateur compared with Stefen. They had made plans to have dinner in his rooms later, after they’d both had a chance to wind down from the afternoon. Stefen had met him as promised, gittern and crumpled music sheets in hand, and they had enjoyed a rather haphazard meal mixed with bits of gittern playing; Stefen was mainly working on one musical interlude and wanted to try out different possibilities.
Listening to Stefen was sheer pleasure. Vanyel had never known a more talented Bard or musician, Breda included, and was consistenly impressed with the boy’s creativity. He hadn’t noticed the time passing, but he had noticed the wine descending—and the liberal hand with which Stefen served him. To a certain extent, he hadn’t minded; he had never abused the stuff, but he enjoyed his drink as much as anyone. Yet the force of Stefen’s singing, combined with the alcohol, then mixed with the boy’s longing glances in his direction, had flustered him far more than he had thought possible. When Stefen offered to serve him a final glass, he had gently but firmly ushered him out the door, claiming an exhaustion headache to justify his reaction.
And now here he sat, nursing the dregs of the wine pitcher, his body rejecting his well-reasoned decision. I wasn’t even listening at the end, just watching his lips move…he imagined, for a moment, kissing those lips with his own; the inevitable touching that would follow, light and testing at first, before growing more desperate, more aggressive—caught in the thoughts, he let his hand drift downward, under his smallclothes. One stroke, just one—then what if those lips drifted lower, those hazel eyes meeting his for a moment as the boy wrapped his mouth around Vanyel’s hard—Gods! Clarity returned in an instant, and Vanyel yanked his hand out of his breeches. Was I really about to just—to Stefen?
He drained the last bits of wine in a quick swallow, then abruptly threw the goblet against the wall. What was I thinking? His cock wasn’t letting him forget, either; it throbbed unmercifully, and he was harder than he’d been in—years. I don’t need sex anymore; I don’t feel anything anymore; I can’t afford to! I thought I’d made peace with that… He peeled off his Whites, one layer at a time, until all he wore were his smallclothes. Looking down disbelievingly, he hesitated before removing that last layer. Holy hells, I’m still…
Quickly, he grabbed the other pitcher that had earlier sat untouched, and poured icy water into a clean mug. In one gulp, he downed it, then poured another; the mug was as cold as the water now, and he pressed it against himself somewhat desperately. Finally, his breathing slowed, his reaction calmed, and he placed the mug back on the table.
Opening the channel back to Yfandes before lying down in bed, he sensed a wave of warmth flood him and smiled. :Not sleeping yet, dearheart?:
:Not until you do. Did you enjoy your evening?:
He hesitated. :Yes. Although…:
:What is it?:
:Nothing important.: Sending her back reassurance and love, he curled up on his side. :Good night, love.:
:Good night, Chosen.:
And that is all the affection I need, he thought as his eyes closed, feeling filled with a new sense of resolve. Stefen will just have to accept that we will never be anything more than friends…
/reading while appropriately tipsy
Date: 2013-01-15 07:47 am (UTC)omg Van do you actually have self-revirginising powers. HE IS AMAZING. and does fantastically bizarre things when drunk 0___0 this is so far beyond UST, so very far. 'Flustered', yeah right. And I love it so hard, especially the way Van is articulating both why he doesn't and why he does want Stef. And Stef tormenting him musically (STEF, YOUR PICK-UP LINES) is just plain hot. I cannot get enough loving/lustful Stef-descriptions from Van, even with him still hung up on perceived innocence.
Van's self-torture is alarmingly believable. He so would. It's depressing, and plausibly weird, and even involves iciness! WAT.
Re: /reading while appropriately tipsy
Date: 2013-01-15 11:42 am (UTC)I almost want to write an AU where Van doesn't succumb to Stef's advances at Forst Reach and CONTINUES TO TORTURE HIMSELF FOR UNLIMITED CHAPTERS until, finally, something amazing happens to break through (and more plausibly set up than the Forst Reach scene).
Re: /reading while appropriately tipsy
Date: 2013-01-15 03:50 pm (UTC)oh Van how is it that you think not having sex hones, like, anything? augh.
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Date: 2013-01-16 05:46 pm (UTC)And also talk about willful ignorance...in the beginning there he's basically telling himself that Stefen is his intellectual equal, and then listing reasons (which are based entirely on conjecture) why he wouldn't make a good partner.
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Date: 2013-01-18 01:39 am (UTC)Anyways, I'm really feeling a need for a good Van/Stef porn fic, please help! LOVE your porn, MPTP update was ridiculously hot.
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Date: 2024-10-29 01:14 pm (UTC)Love this fic.