fic - Van/Stef

[thene]

In which Van complains for 1300 words. IKR, shocking and unprecedented. But it is Sunday and this was all I wanted to do today.



"A tie," Tran noted as he pulled off his practice armour, clearly content with the achievement. "Been a while since I held you to a tie. Maybe you're losing your edge - that bard keeping you up at night?" Van muttered something not even intelligible to himself. It was close to sunset, and the long day wasn't yet close to over, and Tran's teasing was too far from the mark to amuse. "You push yourself hard for someone who's abandoned the ranks of us bachelors. Who're you still trying to impress?"

"No less than the Archpriest of all Karsites," Vanyel fluttered his eyelashes. "I still dream he will be mine one day."

Tantras laughed wearily. "I'll have to tell Stefen you said that - not sure how he'll take it, knowing you're still looking south with a star in your eyes..." Van ducked to pick up his gear, smile falling from his face as evaded Tantras's eyes. Tran was busy gathering his own oddments together, mercifully not noticing Vanyel's expression through the sweat-soaked hair that trailed over his face. "Guess I should be glad you have such lofty aspirations - I need you to stay sharp enough to kick me into shape." Van shot him a sceptical glance; Tran probably knew that Van would hold he needed no such assistance. Tantras merely winked at him and lifted his bundle of light padding. "We should get a move on - if I tarry too long with you it'll take more than a good story or two to keep Stef appeased."

"Indeed," he replied uncertainly, shouldering his burdens.

Tran paused, and reached a hand out to his shoulder, looking him carefully in the eye. "Van, I swear half the times I mention Stef you're more happy than I ever saw you, and the other half you seem terrified. What's wrong?"

He froze, and tried to breathe evenly. Nothing, he wanted to say. Nothing could be wrong - he hadn't time for a personal crisis, and the gods knew Stef had given him no cause to complain. But - he could still feel the midnight thoughts clamouring for release. "Van," Tantras prompted. "I won't tell him, I promise. I won't tell a soul."

Van dropped his head. He stepped out of the salle into the warm light of evening, slowly enough to allow Tran to fall into step. As they walked, he spoke to his feet. "You were right about Stefen keeping me up last night, but not," he raised an eyebrow, "for the reason you implied. Stef sleeps like a newborn lamb."

"I can believe it," Tran murmured.

"I was so worn out - I barely had two words left in me after Council was though, and he'd sat up for me even though he was exhausted - we couldn't do anything except crawl into bed. And he told me how much he missed talking to me - just talking. I can't even give him that. I don't have the time any more. I don't know how long he's going to put up with this - what if I do have to go back to the Border? Or any other long assignment where I won't be able to take care of him at all? I can't give him a fair return for the danger he faces due to being with me. Tran, I am terrified," Van admitted. "He's so close to defenceless - he can fight well enough hand-to-hand, but that's no use against enemies who resort to magical weapons! He doesn't even have Mindspeech to call for help if he's attacked. And I can't assume that no one's going to find out about us - can I?"

Tran shrugged. "Matter of time, isn't it? Not much talk so far, not outside those who know you well - I catch the odd joke from some of the young'uns who know Stef's reputation, but I think most of them would be blown right away if they found out there was anything to it. But what your neighbours know, and your pages and servants..."

Van nodded, heart heavy. Every day Stefen spent with him piled risk atop risk, to more than just their reputations. "I've set shields on him every way I can think of, and there's not often he's not close to either me or to Randale's bodyguards. But if something happened to him - Tran, I can't protect him, I don't even have any time or energy left for him at the end of the day - I don't even know why I should expect him to be there when I get home."

Tran stopped, and grabbed Van's shoulders with his strong, solid hands before Van could stumble face-first into the grass. I'm tired, I'm just tired, he told himself, but he stared at Tran's face and felt pricking in his eyes. "Van, this isn't reason speaking. It's fear," Tantras cautioned. "And gods know, you've just cause to fear. But you're a fool if you let it ruin what you have right now. I'll wager that's how he sees it - there's a reason Stef sleeps easy with you, and he's no fool, Van."

Vanyel shook his head. "I don't know. I can't stop wondering..."

"What?"

The midnight whispers wrenched at his heart as they escaped his lips. "If he really understood the danger I put him in, how could he stay? How could I be worth it when I don't even have a moment of time to offer him?"

For a long moment, Tantras gaped at him silently. "You are a fool. Hells, Stef might know he can't compete with the Archpriest of Karse," Tran sniffed as he mocked Van's earlier tone, "but he knows that you love him. And you call yourself an Empath - tch, was anyone in your confidence surprised when you told them you were lifebonded?"

"Savil and Jisa both knew before we told them," he admitted. Well, he hadn't told Jisa at all - nor would he have been capable of discussing his lovelife with his daughter. She'd just told him she was happy for him, matter-of-factly and with juvenile, smug magnanimousness, as if to warn him off passing further comment on her marriage. "I just can't believe he doesn't need more than I can give - I can't do anything for him and he could have anyone else he wanted..."

Tran sniffed again. "I don't think he wants anyone else, old friend. Most folks would give their eyeteeth to be lifebonded."

He hung his head again. "I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't complain -"

"Van!" Tran lifted a hand from him and Van wondered if he was about to get cuffed, but Tran merely buried his face behind his spread fingers. "Great gods, you make things difficult. Doesn't everyone with a partner complain about them sometimes? Just, you can try to make things less complicated for yourself rather than more."

Vanyel sighed. "Damned if I see how."

"Well for a start, you could stop treating every damn thing in the world like it's your sworn responsibility." But it is, he started to say, and Tran interrupted him. "Not every bit of work that gets thrown at you is more important than being with your lifebonded - and yes, that is important." Van wanted to argue, but couldn't deny how desperately he wanted more time with Stef. "So how about I cover for you on Council tonight? I can tell them I roughed you up too hard and packed you off to the Healers."

Van couldn't help but smile at the thought of accepting the pretend humiliation. "Shavri will find out you're lying," he hedged.

"But you'd never shirk your duties. Everyone knows that," Tran grinned broadly.

Van tentatively returned his smile. "Well, I don't know if Stef had plans for tonight. I could see if he has time for me," and Tran scoffed at his uncertainty as they approached their usual side door of choice. Tantras waved a pair of pages loitering down the hallway to come assist them with their sparring gear, and watched Van with a loaded look as Van slipped open the door of his room. "Stef?" he called softly. "Are you busy?"

"Havens, no. Aren't you rushing off to Council -" Van closed the door on a smirking Tantras, and for a moment, he let his heart feel light.